Monday, August 20, 2007

From the Archives: An Open Letter to Tuesday

You suck.

Did that cut too deep? Did I go too far, too fast, too soon? Well too bad, you’re going to have to deal with it. Don’t you walk away from me! Sit right back down there because I’ve tried to be polite long enough. The time has come for you to just face the simple fact that you are without a doubt the worst day of the week.

Oh, I know what you’re going to say so let me save you the trouble. Monday is redeemable because sometimes we get it off. President’s Day, Memorial Day, always Mondays. And I dare you to give me one example of when a three day weekend wasn’t welcome, great, or awesome. You can’t do it, can you? And guess what happens when we do have a three day weekend? You become the new Monday. Thanks a lot for that.

Wednesday. Hump day. The middle. T-minus two days until we get the weekend. From its vantage point in the middle of the week, we can look back at the first two days and say “man, the week is just flying by” or look ahead to the weekend and say “well at least the worst is over.” Wednesday’s are good for the soul because be you optimist or pessimist you can find something about Wednesday that works.

Thursday is the day before Friday. That alone gives it points beyond you Tuesday. In fact, the same reasons you suck happen to be the reason’s Thursday’s are pretty great. Let’s say we have Friday off. Well then guess who gets to be the new Friday? Not you, that’s for sure. Thursday’s give you something to look forward to, something to work towards. From this point in the week there is hope for what will be coming soon; Friday, and do I even need to get into why Friday is better then you? I don’t think so.

Name something good that happened on a Tuesday. Go ahead, I’m waiting. You can’t, can you? You want some bad things that have happened on a Tuesday? How about the fall of Constantinople to Ottoman Empire in 1453? Or how’s about the Spanish adage En Martes, ni te cases nit e embarques which roughly translates to “On Tuesday, neither get married or begin a journey?” You’re astrologically tied with Pluto, named for the god of the underworld for goodness sake!

For the love of all that’s holy, stop with the blubbering! I’m not trying to make you cry. This is tough love Tuesday. Well, not really. It’s more like an explosion of disgust because let’s face it, you blow. I’m not blaming you I guess, Lord knows you aren’t responsible for your placement in the week. At least I hope you aren’t because what kind of lame-o chooses the second day? No, if I were you I would want to have a nice long talking to with Pope Gregory XIII, the man ultimately responsible for your existence. I’d wish you luck but what’s it matter? You’re screwed no matter how you slice it.

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